“Hi I’m Rhea and I’m a fashion blogger”.
..errmmm no, not quite.
God, I wish it were that easy. If it were I wouldn’t be sitting here, over a year into the game hiding my blog from people. Well I wouldn’t say hiding per se; it’s more along the lines of omitting the truth than anything. If people don’t ask then I have no reason to tell them, right?
This year I promised myself that I would make my blog public to my friends and family. The thought of it completely terrified me and I was almost certain that I wouldn’t do it. Well I did and I think it’s safe to say that no one really gave a damn. I guess it’s a little different when you tell people that you know. They kind of expect it because they know what I’m like and how fashion obsessed I am. I’ve slowly accepted the fact that they probably don’t read it and just look at the “pretty pictures” (yes, I’m talking to you mother).
Here’s where things get difficult. Telling someone that you don’t know…
Usually when I tell them that I have a fashion blog I never know what to expect. I’ve had all kinds of reactions thrown my way. I remember the look of absolute disgust staring back at me from one guy. He looked at me as though I hadn’t washed in days. To be fair, I did kind of drop a bombshell on him. He’d spent half an hour unknowingly offending me by bad mouthing fashion bloggers. Worst yet, he found girls who just posted photos of themselves and their outfits on their Instagram unfathomable (Awkward much? Don’t worry; we are no longer in contact). Surely there are worse things out there that I could be doing in my spare time but apparently not. When that’s your experience of having to tell people you’re a…fuck it, I’m going to say it…FASHION BLOGGER, you can’t help but feel reluctant to tell anyone else you meet. I always feel like it’s a secret that I have to hide, when I know that it shouldn’t be. Realistically, why should I be ashamed of something that’s a part of who I am?
In all honesty, telling people isn’t even the hard part. Once the words have left my mouth, it’s out there. It’s not like you can un-hear something now can you? What I find difficult is the next part. This is the part where they’ll actively try and find it and you’re left living in fear with the hope that they don’t. There’s nothing worse than having to sit with the uncertainty of what they’ll think of it all, if or when they find it. Nine times out of ten they’ll take their phones out and yep, you guessed it…they’ll try to search for it in front of you. The typical route of choice is through my Instagram and it’s almost laughable considering how hard they try and never find it. It definitely keeps me entertained and I’ll usually sit there with a smug smile on my face because no one has been able to find it until now. Yes, you read that correctly.
This guy skillfully managed to bypass the gateway to my blog (my instagram) and hit the jackpot by directly finding my blog. I’m sure you’re all wondering how he managed this because I was so confident that he’d never find it. You know the part where Nev and Max go into detective mode during an episode of Catfish? It was like watching that unravel in front of me. He simply ran my photo through Google and fucking hell, there was my blog glowing in all its glory right there on his phone. If I wasn’t so mortified by what he’d done, I would’ve given him a round of applause. I felt like he’d just discovered all of my secrets and instantly I felt unbelievably exposed. A part of me wanted to down my glass of wine to make things better but I didn’t for the fear that I’d look like some weird alcoholic. I may as well have been sitting in front of him naked because that’s how embarrassed I felt. I’m someone who experiences embarrassment a little more intensely than your average person but with that being said I just about managed to keep my shit together.
I know some people have the misconception that fashion bloggers are just self-obsessed, love taking selfies and have nothing better to do with their time. In my mind those are all things that I don’t want to be perceived as. It’s not like I have anything bad to hide on here but I guess the insecure perfectionist in me is always afraid of what people will think of my writing, my photos, my opinions and well, me.
So telling people that I blog about fashion isn’t exactly up there along the list of things that I usually share. It’s personal and it would seem almost idiotic of me to give people ammunition for them to judge and criticise me. It’s the dreaded fear of being judged that I can’t bare. It plagues me all the time. Even the thought of having to justify myself is tedious and I cannot for the life of me be bothered to do it. Really and truly, I shouldn’t have to.
I’ll admit that recently, I’ve been pretty big on the “not giving a shit” front and I’m just waiting to see how long it’ll last (I tend to go through waves)…Just like and share bitches.
Like. And. Share…
Lots of love,