It’s the last day of the year and I’m sure you’re all exhausted from seeing everyone’s emotional posts about what they did in 2017. Sadly this post isn’t any different. In reality it’s just longer ha! Really and truly what else did you expect from me?
It’s hard for me to comprehend that 2017 is almost over because this year was a bit of a rollercoaster. I know that we all say that it “flew by” and for me it literally did. If we take a little trip down memory lane, I set myself the task of stepping out of my comfort zone, being positive and being less serious this year. At the time I had no clue what that meant for me or where I’d even begin but I’d say that I more or less stuck to it. However I also stupidly set myself the goal of attempting to do 10 things that scared the absolute shit out of me. Did I manage to tick everything off? Absolutely not. I didn’t even manage to do half of the things I wanted to do #WhatAnAbsoluteFail
To be fair my year wasn’t a complete fail. I realised that I had a lot of shit thrown my way and did things that made me feel awkward/ uncomfortable but I still managed to make it through the year alive. There was no point in dwelling on it all so instead, I just threw all of it into my handy fuck-it bucket (honestly you should get one, it’s a bit of a game changer!). You’ll see what I mean. I’m not completely crazy, I promise. It’ll make sense the more you read on…
1) Going to countless job interviews and having to be okay with hearing no.
It’s a funny thing because in essence you go to sell yourself and they’re just like no kthanksbye! I don’t think I’ve ever experienced so much rejection than I have this year. The old me would’ve thrown myself a massive pity party. No scratch that. I’m a dramatic bitch, let’s be real I would’ve thrown myself a pity gala but instead I didn’t. In my head I told myself, fuck it, if it’s meant to be, I’ll get it. It’s definitely made me more resilient to rejection, which is something I never thought I’d say!
2) Holding off on submitting my doctorate application for another year
I was so set on submitting my application that I started 2 years ago and I just couldn’t do it. My heart wasn’t in it and I wasn’t going to half-ass an application just for the sake of it. If any of you know, the process of getting onto the doctorate in clinical psychology can be soul-destroying to say the least.
I spent hours sitting at my laptop trying to write my personal statement and I got as far as a sentence. I’ve never been silenced like that before and do you know what? It was fucking scary! Considering that I’m the queen of writing long-winded essays, which at first glance you’d mistake for my master’s dissertation…it’s not something that happens to me that often. In summary, I can bullshit and blag my way through anything with my writing (I like to talk, so what can I say?). That’s when I realised that I wasn’t ready for it, YET.
When all of your colleagues are doing the same, you feel the pressure to apply. All I heard from everyone was:
“Just do it for the experience”
“At least you’ll know what the application process is like”
“Rhea, just apply! What’s the worst that can happen?”
If you know me well, I’m not one to succumb to any kind of pressure. In reality when people push me to do things that I’m not ready for I just push back harder. I’m pessimistic for sure but I know that I was being realistic with what I could achieve right now with the experience that I have. The doctorate has been something that I’ve had my heart set on since I can even remember. So with that in mind, doing something else isn’t even an option.
When the deadline passed I started to question my decision like a fucking idiot. I had all of the “what if’s” floating around in my head but I managed to bitch slap myself back to reality and told myself to apply when you’re ready.
3) Feeling Stuck
I guess this one leads on from number 2 because I literally and painstakingly had to convince myself to stop comparing myself to everyone else. I told myself to fuck everyone else and instead: you do you. When everyone around you is moving onto better things you can’t help but feel completely paralysed. It made me feel that dirty word, which I hate so much – LAZY. I realised that I was getting too comfortable with my current situation so I started being more proactive and focusing on what I needed to do. In reality I know that I’m not going to feel like this forever but you need to go after the things you want because no one is going to hand it to you on a silver platter.
4) Going “out” and meeting new people because it’s fun
I was that girl who went “out” shall we say, with the prospect of finding something a little more long-term than what your typical fuck-boy would say he was looking for. Yes, you know it, that 3 letter word: fun. In my mind the minute I hear those words, I hear sirens going off in my head screaming at me to abort mission. Why? The calculated perfectionist in me can’t bare the uncertainty of doing things without a clear sense of direction. Fun just wasn’t for me because in my head I didn’t see the point of it. Don’t get me wrong the same still stands but I’ve learnt that it’s okay to just go “out” and meet new people.
In October my perspective on things changed very quickly, when another pre-empted “disappointment” was thrown my way. I found myself in a situation where I could move on with the rest of the year in 2 ways:
1) Sit at home and feel sorry for myself
2) Go “out” and meet new people
I of course went with the latter and threw that “disappointment” straight into my fuck-it bucket and didn’t look back.
I think it goes without saying that there’s something exhilarating and absolutely shit-your-pants kind of terrifying about putting yourself out there, especially when you haven’t been “out” there in a while. So for me it was like trying to walk again just at the age of 24 and do you know what? It becomes more fun when you’re not holding that expectation of finding “the one” in the back of your head. Don’t get me wrong if something decent gets thrown my way then great but I think I’ve learnt to just take things as they come and to not completely overthink it.
5) Shooting pictures around London & having to deal with the general public
If you ever see me in London completely over dressed pulling a suitcase just assume that I’m shooting and not going on holiday. Shooting pictures around London and not in secluded locations was definitely a breath of fresh air. It taught me that it’s okay and you probably don’t even look like that much of an idiot compared to what your head is telling you. Realistically, you’re never going to see these people again. It not only helped me build my confidence but it definitely let me roll on with the fuck-it attitude. I’ve learnt to deal with the constant stares and having random guys throw compliments my way, as awkward as it made me feel. I’ve learnt to just smile and say thank you politely (LOL).
People stare so I guess you may as well give them something decent to stare at, right?
It was definitely an eventful year but a damn good one…So here’s to the New Year!
2018, please be good to me ha!
Lots of love,